Driving

Edited:

  1. Yellow street lights flicker

  2. Flashing through my window

  3. rolled all the way down as I drive past. 

  4. One hand on the wheel

  5. One hand reaching 

  6. up, 

  7. up,

  8. up, 

  9. into an open sunroof 

  10. but

  11. instead of sun rays beating down, 

  12. The air of a 

  13. June evening at 8:42 pm

  14. drifts in through the open top

  15. curling around the tips of my ears,

  16. playing with tendrils of my hair, 

  17. resting chilly arms on my shoulders

  18. My looking eyes straight ahead 

  19. but

  20. music takes my mind 

  21. somewhere 

  22. far,

  23. far,

  24. far

  25. away from the roads.

  26. 3 more songs 

  27. ‘til I start for home



Old version:

  1. Street lights flicker, 

  2. Flashing through my window, 

  3. rolled all the way down as I speed past 

  4. One hand on the wheel

  5. One hand reaching up

  6. Into an open sunroof 

  7. But instead of sun rays shining down 

  8. Night time air drifts through the open top, 

  9. Curling around my ears,

  10. Playing with my hair, 

  11. Resting cold arms on my shoulders.

  12. My looking eyes straight ahead 

  13. Music takes my mind somewhere 

  14. faraway from the roads, 

  15. 24 minutes until home

Rosal's unique interpretation of the use of 'break's is something I tried to incorporate in my poem. In the original version of my poem, many of the lines are independent clauses. However, in the edited version, I split independent clauses in half to further emphasize the weight of a few words, hopefully adding to the overall atmosphere of the poem. For example, Line 8 reads "Night time air drifts through the open top". To clarify that I intend for the audience to picture warm weather and to add uniqueness to my poem, I break the line up by replacing it with just a few words: "June evening at 8:42 pm". Additionally, Rosal also wrote about how artists work with what is right in front of them. I use this perspective in lines 6-8 and 22-24, utilizing repetition to more efficiently curate the feeling I want the reader to have. Every 'up' and 'far' being on separate lines forced the reader to pause before moving on, almost 'breaking' the sentence for themselves. 

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